STOP THIS RIDE, I WANNA GET OFF

"NEXT YEAR, IF ALL GOES WELL, HE'LL BE BARKING FOR THE 'YAK WOMAN.'"
-------------COUSIN EDDIE IN NATIONAL LAMPOON'S "VACATION."

"DRIVER 8, TAKE A BREAK, YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS ROAD TOO LONG."
---------------------------------------- R.E.M.




THIS MORNING, ABOUT 1:30 IN THE a.m., I HAD ONE SIMPLE THING TO DO BEFORE I COULD GET BACK ON THE COUCH AND SNOOZE.

GOD GIVES ME 20 MINUTES TO PEE - AFTER THAT IT'S A WHOLE NEW BALLGAME - ANYTHING GOES.

I NEEDED TO SIMPLY WORK MY WAY OFF THE COUCH AND HIT THE PEE JUG STATIONED ON A TABLE ABOUT 10 FEET AWAY. NOT LITERALLY, BUT TO STAND AND PLACE IT BELOW ME.

PROBLEM IS, SHORTLY AFTER MY WIFE ANGIE WENT TO BED, ABOUT 11:30, I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR - I COULDN'T GET COMFORTABLE TO WATCH THE SAINTS-FALCONS GAME.

SO I WHEELED NEAR THE COUCH - AND SINCE I WAS MOVING PRETTY WELL, PUSHED A FOOTSTOOL TO THE BASE OF THE COUCH, FIXED THE COUCH PILLOW I WOULD LEAN BACK AGAINST AND CONSOLIDATED OTHER ITEMS I MIGHT NEED: LAPTOP, BLANKET, PLAYSTATION3 CONTROLLER AND TV PUNCHER.

NOW, I HAD TO JUST FINISH THE LANDING. STRADDLING THE FOOTSTOOL, I EASED MY BUTT ONTO THE COUCH, TRYING TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF WHERE THE LEFT AND MIDDLE CUSHIONS MEET. MY GOAL IS TO SIT EVENLY SO MIGHT RIGHT CHEEK CAN STAY FLAT AND EVEN.

IF I HIT IT RIGHT, EVEN THE COMMUNIST JUDGES WILL GRUDGINGLY SCORE IT A 9.5. BUT THIS TIME I LAND A BIT OFF, TOO MUCH BUTT LEANS TO THE RIGHT, MEANING I WILL EVENTUALLY WORK MYSELF TOO FAR TO THE RIGHT.

WELL, FIRST, I CAN FINISH WATCHING FOOTBALL, THEN PLAY SOME VIDEO BASEBALL. I AM SLEEPY, AND NOTHING PUSHES ME OVER THE EDGE LIKE BASEBALL.

THE EDGE OF SLEEPINESS TO SLEEP, THAT IS. PLAYING THE GAME IS INFINITELY MORE FUN THAN WATCHING A GAME, WHICH BRINGS ON A COMA-LIKE DEEP SLEEP. I MEAN REALLY, IS THERE ANYTHING MORE BORING THAN BASEBALL ON TV?

OF COURSE THERE IS. GOLF, BOWLING, SOCCER, FISHING, MOST ANY REALITY SHOW (FROM THE MORONIC AMISH TO THE REDNECKS THAT LIVE IN SWAMPS, ALASKA, RIVERS, TRASH-FILLED HOMES AND UNDER BRIDGES). MY WIFE WATCHES THEM ALL, SWITCHING CHANNELS AT THE HINT OF A COMMERCIAL.

"I HATE COMMERCIALS," SHE TELLS ME.

"I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE WITH TV REMOTES THAT CAN'T CONTROL THEIR VIEWING HABITS TO TWO OR THREE SHOWS, NOT 20," I THINK TO MYSELF. A FEW DEEP SIGHS LATER, I'LL READ A BOOK OR OPEN UP THE LAPTOP. THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP - OR ON THEIR WAY THERE - IN THEIR ROOMS, SO I CAN'T GO WAKE THEM UP TO PLAY.

BUT I DIGRESS. WE WERE ABOUT TO WORK OUR WAY OFF THE COUCH. EXCEPT I HAVE BEEN TRYING THE WHOLE TIME WHILE MY MIND RUNS THROUGH A THOUSAND-AND-ONE THINGS.

PROGRESS REPORT: I HAVE SAT BACK TOO FAR IN THE COUCH AND IT'S OBVIOUSLY GONNA BE A STRUGGLE TO GET OFF IT. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO - PUSH THE NEED TO PEE BEYOND CONSTANT THOUGHT - CHECK, I'VE DONE THAT, THINKING ABOUT THE TIDBITS YOU READ ABOUT ABOVE.

I'VE TRIED ROCKING MYSELF FORWARD - NO GO, MY RIGHT HAND CAN'T GET A GOOD GRIP ON THE SHEET COVERING THE OUCH AND MY LEFT FIST IS USELESS IN THAT ENDEAVOR. EVENTUALLY, I HAVE TO GET MYSELF OVER MY RIGHT LEG (AND THE QUAD THAT'S BEEN GIVING ME SO MUCH TROUBLE.)

AGAIN, I HAVE TO LAND PRETTY WELL, ON MY KNEES SO I CAN STRAIGHTEN MY BACK AND, HOPEFULLY, PULL MYSELF TO MY FEET. I LAND OK, AND START "WALKING" HAND-KNEE, HAND-KNEE TOWARD THE WHEELCHAIR, WHERE THERE'S ANY NUMBER OF THINGS TO GRAB AND PULL MYSELF UP.

SUDDENLY, PROGRESS GRINDS TO A HALT.

UH-OH.

THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHTING GRAVITY IS TO NEVER - EVER - GET TO FLOOR LEVEL.

THAT'S OUT THE WINDOW.

THE NEXT LAW IS TOO NEVER STOP ONCE YOU GET GOING.

WHOOPSIE. I MAY BE SCREWED. WHILE I AM STILL IN A NAVIGABLE POSITION, I HAVE ALSO FROZEN UP - NEVER A GOOD SIGN.

SO I WAIT. AND I WAIT. AND I WAIT SOME MORE, UNTIL MY ARMS FEEL A BIT RESTED, EVEN THOUGH A LOT OF MY WEIGHT HAS BEEN RESTING ON THEM - AND THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME IN TWO DAYS I HAVE PUT MYSELF IN A BAD POSITION - EVEN A LITTLE REST CAN OFTEN HELP ME MAKE A FINAL SHOT AT REACHING SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO.

NO GO.

SHOULDERS ULTRA-FATIGUED, I AM SLOWLY SLIDING INTO NO-MAN'S LAND - FACE DOWN ON THE CARPET. MY LEFT ARM GETS PINNED UNDER MY CHEST (LAST COUPLE OF TIMES I BELIEVE IT WAS MY RIGHT ARM). NO MATTER, I STILL GOTTA PULL IT OUTTA THERE, WHICH EXTENDS MORE ENERGY.

(FYI, THIS IS A GREAT FREAKING WORKOUT FOR YOUR UPPER BODY. I'VE LOST 15 POUNDS BETWEEN PULLING MYSELF OFF THE GROUND SO MUCH AND NOT DRINKING MUCH BEER AT ALL, AS IT SLOWS ME DOWN EVEN MORE.)

BUT I WOULDN'T TRY IT AT HOME. OR EVEN TRY IT AT ALL.

ANYWAY, I GET THE LEFT ARM OUT, SO BOTH ARE NEXT TO ME, READY TO PUSH UP ON MY FISTS, WHILE BRINGING ONE KNEE FORWARD AT A TIME. I AM HOPING TO GET EVENLY BALANCED ON BOTH MY KNEES SO I CAN LEAN BACK AGAIN AND STRAIGHTEN MYSELF FOR BETTER BALANCE.

THE FIRST ATTEMPT IS POSITIVE AND I GET VERY CLOSE, UNTIL I FREEZE AGAIN AND HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY BELLY. LONG STORY SHORT - AND SINCE I'M TIRED OF TYPING - SIX MORE ATTEMPTS OVER THE NEXT HOUR-PLUS PROVE POINTLESS.

YEAH, I'VE STILL GOT TO PEE.

I HEAR MY WIFE STIRRING IN THE BEDROOM.

"ANG?"

"YEAH?"

"CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP?" (AND BY A LITTLE, I MEAN A LOT).

SHE'S A PHYSICAL THERAPIST AND DOES THIS STUFF ALL DAY - I TRY NOT TO WAKE HER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

SHE SAVES THE DAY (NIGHT) YET AGAIN. I AM BACK INN THE WHEELCHAIR - WIDE AWAKE NOW - SHE'S BACK IN BED. I PLAY A BIT OF BASEBALL, THEN TRY AND WRITE WITH THE LAPTOP IN MY WHEELCHAIR (THE SECOND COLUMN OF THE BLOG).

IT SUCKS.

NOT ENOUGH ROOM AND IT HURTS MY SHOULDER TO PECK AWAY LEFT-HANDED (NORMALLY, I HAVE NO PROBLEM USING BOTH ARMS TO DO SO, BUT CAN'T DO THAT NOW.)

TWO MINUTES AFTER I SHUT THE LAPTOP DOWN, HER ALARM STARTS GOING OFF. SOME TIME LATER, SHE FINDS ME ASLEEP, WITH THE BASEBALL GAME SCROLLING FROM PAGE TO PAGE AS I HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP WITH THE CONTROLLER UNDER MY HAND.

NORMALLY, I WOULD JUST GET UP AND GO AND MAKE THE KIDS' LUNCHES FOR SCHOOL, BUT THE LAST 36 HOURS HAVE TAKEN ITS TOLL. I GET TO THE COUCH A QUICK AS I CAN.

MY DAUGHTER ADDIE GRACE LIKES SITTING IN THE BATHROOM WRAPPED IN BLANKETS WHILE MOMMY TAKES A BATH. I HEAR HER SNEAKING ABOUT AND ASK HER TO GIVE ME A HAND.

SHE COVERS ME WITH A BLANKET, ADDS A PILLOW UNDER MY HEAD AND KISSES ME ON A CHEEK, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL 7-YEAR-OLD IN THE WORLD. I GO TO SLEEP, WORN OUT, BUT HAPPY.

CHEERS.