DEFINITION OF CHARACTER

TACO BELL WANTS US TO "THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX."

BY WHICH, OF COURSE, THEY REALLY MEAN "THINK OUTSIDE THE CIRCLE."

THINK ABOUT IT.

GO AHEAD, FURROW YOUR BROW AND DIG YOUR BRAIN INTO THE TACO KING'S AD LOGO. I GOT TIME - PLUS I'M PATIENT.

FIRST OF ALL, NO SUPER NERD EVER COINED THE PHRASE "THINK OUTSIDE THE CIRCLE."

NOT COOL LINGO.

WE GET OUR STUFF IN BOXES. NOBODY EVER SAYS, "I'M GONNA RUN DOWN TO THE MAIL CIRCLE" AND SEE IF THAT LETTER HAS GOTTEN HERE YET.

STILL WAITING, BUT I AM TRULY BLESSED ALMOST EVERY DAY WITH AN IRRATIONALLY LONG TIME TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS. IT'S EASY - I SIMPLY PUT MYSELF IN AN AWKWARD POSITION AND LET GRAVITY THROW ITSELF ON TOP OF MY PARKINSON'S SYMPTOMS.

IT CAN START HAPPENING WHEN TRYING TO DO SEEMINGLY SIMPLE THINGS LIKE GET UP OUT OF A CHAIR OR COUCH. NOW WHEN MY MEDS ARE WORKING, I RARELY RUN INTO ANY PROBLEMS - MY LEGS DON'T FEEL SUPER HEAVY, I CAN WALK FINE AND MY LEFT HAND ISN'T CLAWED INTO A FIST.

BUT OBVIOUSLY MY MEDS AREN'T "ON" ALL THE TIME - OR I HAVE BEEN STANDING OR SITTING TOO LONG IN ONE POSITION AND MY BODY TIGHTENS UP.

WHEN THIS STARTS, I CAN'T EVEN THINK MY WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG LET ALONE A BOX. BUT NO MATTER HOW IT STARTS, 90 PERCENT OF MY PROBLEMS END UP UP WITH MOST OF MY WEIGHT ON MY RIGHT LEG OR ARM.

FROM THERE IT'S A SLOW SLIDE - DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. I LOOK AROUND TO SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING DANGEROUS BELOW WHERE I WILL EVENTUALLY LAND AND SEE IF I CAN SHOVE THEM OUT OF THE WAY.

NOT EXACTLY THINKING OUT OF THE BOX, BUT SAFETY FIRST, BECAUSE EVENTUALLY THE MUSCLES IN MY LEG, ARM OR SHOULDER ARE GOING TO REVOLT AND I WILL END UP ON THE FLOOR.

IT HAPPENED THREE TIMES FROM AROUND NOON WEDNESDAY TO NOON THURSDAY. THE AVERAGE TIME I FIGHT TO KEEP UPRIGHT UNTIL I END UP ON THE GROUND AND THEN AM ABLE MAKE IT SAFELY BACK UPRIGHT IS ABOUT 90 MINUTES.

THAT'S A LOT OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING, EVEN TACO BELL'S MARKETING STRATEGY. IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS, I'D WISH MY MEDS WERE MORE CONSISTENT AND TELL TACO BELL TO BRING BACK THE CHIHUAHUA.

BUT MY PARKINSON'S ISN'T LEAVING ANY TIME SOON AND THAT TINY DOG ISN'T GOING TO SELL BURRITOS ANY TIME SOON EITHER.

SO, MY ANSWER IS: TACO BELL WANTS YOU TO THINK OUT OF THE BOX ALRIGHT - THE BOX YOUR ROUND BIG MAC OR WHOPPER COMES IN. THEY REALLY WANT YOU THINKING OUT OF THE BURGER CIRCLE TO THE TACO BELL SHAPES, EVEN ROUND.

ROUND IS EVEN GOOD - TOSTADAS AND MEXICAN PIZZAS ARE ROUND, AND IRONICALLY, THE PIZZA COMES IN A SQUARE BOX. RECTANGLES ARE ANY NUMBER OF TACO BELL ITEMS - BURRITOS, ENCHILADAS ... ETC.

THEIR MOST FAMOUS SHAPE IS THE SEMI-CIRCLE: YOUR BASIC TACO AND ALL ITS VARIATIONS.

OH, BY THE WAY, THE $5 BOX IS STILL AVAILABLE AT TACO BELL - IT'S NOT ON THE MENU, YOU JUST HAVE TO ASK FOR IT.

MUCH LIKE I ASK FOR A SOFT LANDING AND AN EASY WAY BACK TO MY FEET.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: A LOCAL TV NEWS BROADCAST WEDNESDAY NIGHT SHOWED A MARKET THAT POSTED THE NAMES OF THOSE WHO HAD PASSED BAD CHECKS AT THE STORE.

QUICK INTERVIEWS WITH MARKET PATRONS SHOWED ABOUT HALF WERE IN FAVOR OF THE NAMES BEING POSTED ON THE MARQUEE. ONE DISSENTER SAID IT WAS DEFINITELY A "DEFINITION OF CHARACTER" TO POST THE NAMES - AND WHEN YOU THINK OUT OF THE BOX, SHE WAS RIGHT.

WRONG WORD, BUT CORRECT IN THE USAGE - OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO THINK OUT OF THE BOX TO REALIZE IT.

CHEERS.